“He popped up in my Facebook feed this morning. There’s a picture of him, raising a mug of beer and laughing with his friends,” Deidre wailed. “He is having the time of his life; meanwhile I’m picking up the pieces after he blew up my life and walked away.” In my upcoming book, Take Back the Power: Breakups Done Right, I teach the importance of strong and nonnegotiable boundaries. “Commando-style” no-contact rules are the foundation of regaining your equilibrium: If you share children in common, be polite but short and to-the-point in your communication. But, it’s time for you to prioritize your own feelings. Your mental and emotional sanity come first. Reinjuring yourself—with a stream of pictures of your ex and his friends—will ruin your day unnecessarily. Although social media rarely paints an accurate picture of another person’s inner reality, grief makes it hard to stay rational. For now, you don’t need to know anything about him. And he doesn’t need to know anything about you. Yes, asking friends, “How’s he doing?” is contact. If you’re wondering whether you’re breaking the rules, you probably are. In the early stages of detox, call a good friend and ask her advice. She’ll tell you, “Don’t do it!” I didn’t think so. People long for that which is precious and rare. Remember how you had to mow 4,322 lawns is buy your first MacBook? I bet you still consider that the best computer you ever owned. Never lower your value or act as if you could be on a shelf at the Dollar Store. If he dumped you, he is not the prize. You are. Hold your head high. And always know that you’re a rose in a sea of thorns. Instead, vulnerability and sadness are your muse. Your heart breaks open. You feel everything. From death, life springs forth again. P.S. If all else fails, play Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” on repeat. Heed the words:
