Truly loving someone means caring for them in the ways that they need to be cared for, with no strings attached. (That’s why they call it unconditional love.) There’s not a one-size-fits-all instruction kit for how to love someone, but relationship experts do recommend some specific ideas: “Make an effort to offer your undivided attention to your partner,” Pataky says. She adds that you can show love by “putting away your phone” and not allowing your mind to get distracted by work, emails, TV, or the news while spending time together. Instead, remain “fully connected and engaged in the activity or moment together.” Hsueh says telling your partner “just how much they mean to you” and “how much you love them and appreciate them” while making eye contact or physical contact can be “very powerful.” Pataky agrees, adding that it’s helpful to get specific by highlighting the special moments you’ve shared or the positive traits you love about this person. For example, you might say, “I love you because of how supportive you’ve been throughout these tough times at my job.” If it’s too hard to say these things out loud, you can also say them through text, Pataky says. “My definition of gratitude includes appreciating not just what your partner does but who they are as a person,” Gordon writes. “You’re not just thankful that your partner took out the trash—you’re thankful that you have a partner who is thoughtful enough to know you hate taking out the trash.” Make sure to “learn what is happening in your partner’s world” by asking questions about their daily life, writes Bob Navarra, Psy.D., for The Gottman Institute. “We sometimes forget to check in with our partner or fail to respond to their attempts to connect. Over time, this can create serious damage to the relationship. It can be as simple as asking, ‘How was your day?’” “The key here is to be observant,” she says. “They may have dropped clues, unintentionally or intentionally, about how they’re doing, or something that they’ve been really thinking about lately. Your paying attention to them will manifest into something that will make them feel listened to, and someone who feels heard will definitely feel the love.” “If your partner is having a tough day, you may want to try to cook them dinner or pick up the dry cleaning,” she says. “Help them free up some of their time so they can do something they enjoy after a long, stressful day.” Other examples of acts of service include waking up early to make them coffee or taking their car to get washed. Even doing the laundry can be an act of love! “Intimacy is important in a relationship, and physical touch can be an aspect of feeling the closeness and affection that you are seeking or wanting to give your partner,” Pataky says. “It’s important to discuss with your partner what physical touch they enjoy.” But doing an activity together is a useful way to show your love for each other and build intimacy. Cook a new meal, try a new workout, or just go on a walk together. Quality time can also involve simply hanging out with your partner at home and chatting—no phones allowed. The important thing is to set aside a specific time to do something together that you both will enjoy. Sharing these experiences brings couples closer together, research shows1. You may want to schedule a regular “date night” each week to ensure that quality time is consistent. “There’s always the tried-and-true flower delivery, but if you’re looking for a more creative alternative, consider what your partner likes or needs,” Hsueh says. For example, you could make a customized care package full of their favorite snacks and deliver it on a special holiday, like Valentine’s Day or their birthday. “[T]he key to being thoughtful is keeping your loved one’s interests, desires, likes in mind as you make the care package.” It’s also important to avoid shutting down, becoming defensive or being combative. Instead, handle conflicts with “mutual respect, humor, interest, openness,” Navarra writes, and make sure to acknowledge your partner’s point of view. Accountability goes both ways, too. If you love your partner, you need to hold them responsible when they mess up. It doesn’t serve anyone well to bottle things up for fear of hurting someone’s feelings. One helpful place to start this conversation is to figure out your partner’s “love language.” The five love languages were outlined by Gary Chapman, Ph.D., in the classic relationship book, Love Languages. They include ideas that we’ve covered above, including words of affection, gifts, physical touch, quality time, and acts of service. “These ways of receiving and giving love can be a great guide to helping you tailor your plans around what your partner enjoys,” Hsueh says. Having a conversation with your partner about their love languages and then tailoring your efforts accordingly is a loving act in itself. In addition to the rest of the ideas on this list, you’ll come up with a crystal clear picture of how to love your partner exactly the way they want.
