Telling your partner your dirty thoughts and actions over the phone is surprisingly simple, but it’s understandable that many of us aren’t inherently comfortable with reciting all of our kinkiest fantasies aloud to our smartphone screen. Enthusiastic consent is more than a “yes”—it’s a “hell, yes!” You can do this part over text if it feels safer. Here are some examples of texts you can send: For example, if your partner is worried their roommates will hear them, ask if they’re comfortable sexting. If they’re not confident in their words, video chat is a great option. Additionally, even if your partner is game for phone sex one night, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re open to it the following night. Be sure to get consent before each phone sex date. If you’re planning phone sex with a new (or even a virtual) partner, you may want to explore these waters before engaging in phone sex. You can do this by straight-up asking. (For example: “Does it turn you on when I use the word ’tits,’ or do you prefer another word?”) Or, you can simply pay extra attention to how they speak sexually about themselves or about others. Another way you might learn about your partner’s verbal preferences is to ask them if they’ve ever read any type of sexy story that particularly turned them on and if they wouldn’t mind sharing it with you. (This is also great phone sex “foreplay,” by the way.) RELATED: How To Talk Dirty During Sex, On The Phone & Whenever As with any other skill, practice makes perfect. Even if you don’t have a partner to practice with yet, you can sexily study erotic audiobooks, erotic literature (Literotica and Bellesa are both great free resources), and even porn videos to naturally pick up on some sexier lingo. RELATED: Your Guide To Ethical Porn: What Makes It Different & Where To Find It You may want to try getting yourself in the mood by taking your time and getting ready for phone sex the same way you would get ready for a date (even if your partner isn’t going to see you at all). Oftentimes wearing lingerie or stripping all the way down can feel just as sexy for you as it is for those who see you. RELATED: 9 Gifts & Ideas To Spice Up Date Night, From A Sex Therapist “Your environment matters,” Stella Harris, sex coach and author of Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships, tells mbg. “You may be in separate places, but both of you should be in sexy environments (bed, bathtub). Scents also help, lighting candles, etc.” You also should definitely turn your phone to Do Not Disturb mode—nothing kills the mood like receiving a work email in the middle of phone sex. “Dip your toes in first,” dating coach Adam LoDolce tells mbg. “Don’t feel that you need to go from ‘Hello’ to ‘I wanna tie you up and spank you in two minutes.” Take your time arousing yourself and your partner the way you would during regular sex. You don’t even have to start the actual dirty talk right away if you’re shy, suggests sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D. She recommends simply tossing in a few words like “Yes!,” “More!,” “Fuck yeah!,” or whatever comes naturally to you to ease things in—you don’t need to try to emulate your favorite porn star. Harris suggests saying something like, “Remember that time you pushed me up against the wall at our favorite bar? That was so hot.” Then, the other person can chime in with their own memories, or ask you to keep going with your memory, and things should flow pretty easily. Harris suggests saying, “You know what I’d do if you were here right now?” And then simply describe the kind of sex you’d like to have. Alternatively, you can ask your partner what they would like to do to you if you don’t think they’ll feel put on the spot. Tell your partner how you miss their perfect butt or the way they scratch your back. You can even describe a noise or facial expression they make in bed that you love. Build on this by telling them what part of their body you miss, and what you’d like to do to that part of their body. Or what noise they make in bed that you miss, and what you’d like to do to get them to make that noise if you were together. For example, instead of saying, “I wish I could kiss you all over right now.” Say something like, “I wish we could be snuggled up on the couch in your living room after watching our show, and I could start kissing you all the way from your cute shoulder dimples to your ticklish little feet.” Harris recommends thinking about all of your senses when crafting your words. “What do you feel, smell, hear, see? Describe it all.” This might make them feel rejected or embarrassed and ruin the mood. “Keep an open mind and have the mentality of ‘Yes, and…,’” says LoDolce. “If someone says something a bit off, just roll with it and add to it.” For example, if your partner starts describing a fantasy about introducing a third lover into the bedroom and you’re not into it, you can say something like, “Once I see you with another person I get too turned on and have to have you to myself again, so we break off into the bathroom and start having our own fun…” Of course, if your partner has certain fantasies that you haven’t previously discussed and/or you don’t share them, this is something you might want to talk about in another setting. You may also want to consider whether you can find a way to enjoy talking about it with them, even if you have no intention of having a threesome IRL. “Some folks find they’re willing to discuss fantasies over the phone that they might not address in person, as there is less pressure to act on them or follow through in the moment,” says O’Reilly. “The distance of phone sex can attenuate feelings of undue pressure, and you can explore it simply as a fantasy.” Consider using this dynamic to bring out a freaky side you may not normally exhibit, and discuss fantasies you may not normally share with your partner. RELATED: 20 Fun Sexual Role-Play Ideas To Tap Into Your Wildest Fantasies You may be able to discern this simply from the noises they are making (or visuals they may be sending, if you’re including photo or video elements). Regardless, it’s never bad to do a verbal check-in. “Use a few simple lines to develop greater comfort as you explore,” suggests O’Reilly. She recommends trying some of the following phrases: Commenting on things you’d like to try from the movie or story may feel a little safer than completely being in charge of the dialogue. And this way, you can feel more comfortable with “awkward” silences that may be filled by the movie’s audio or by both of you reading the story. Are they comfortable sending photos, videos, or voice notes? Are they comfortable FaceTiming while they pleasure themselves? If they’re not and you ask them to send you a photo mid phone sex, this might turn them off (especially if you continually ask them). While it’s understandable that you may want to see your partner naked while you converse, boundaries are an important way to ensure everyone enjoys themselves during sex—whether over the phone or in real life. If your partner likes a little pressure and cajoling, consider discussing a safe word they can use when they’d actually like you to stop asking them to do something. If you think it may be more fun for you to narrate an entire fantasy during one phone sex session and have it be your partner’s turn the next time, this is also something you may want to discuss beforehand and/or when establishing consent. For example, you could say, “I have been replaying this fantasy about you, and I want to tell you about it over the phone. No pressure to respond, but if it does turn you on, feel free to play with yourself.” Otherwise, try to take turns speaking just like you would in a normal conversation so neither partner feels pressure rather than pleasure. She says the sound of a lover’s voice, moans and groans, and the sound of movement between the sheets can go a long way. So, even if you’re not comfortable stringing together a full dirty-talk sentence, you can totally still have awesome phone sex. Likewise, if you’re more comfortable sending a photo or watching each other pleasure yourselves via Skype or FaceTime, this can be equally great. I’ve had pleasurable FaceTime sex where my partner and I didn’t say a word; we simply touched ourselves on camera and moaned. While it’s not a horrible idea to channel a more confident persona to combat your shyness, don’t forget that your partner wants to have phone sex with you, not Dita Von Teese or Usher. Be yourself as best you can, and be honest about your fantasies and what turns you on. RELATED: 11 Ways To Have More Romantic Sex, From Sexuality Experts In fact, O’Reilly says that intentionally using a bit of humor and playfulness might be the ideal approach if dirty talk doesn’t come naturally to you. If you’re game, definitely feel free to use whatever methods you need to get there—including your favorite toys within arm’s reach. “You can focus on both bodies or simply take turns getting one another off with your words,” says O’Reilly. You also shouldn’t feel pressured to get off if you’re not in the mood. Maybe you need a little more phone foreplay, or maybe you don’t feel you have adequate privacy to truly enjoy yourself. While you certainly shouldn’t feel obligated to get your partner off if you’re not in the mood, maybe you can enjoy helping your partner masturbate (via a story, a photo, or even a steamy audio note) even if you’re not going to do the same. With more and more practice (and fun), you’ll likely grow more comfortable touching yourself to the sound of your partner’s voice—and using your voice to tell your partner exactly what you’re doing to yourself in great detail. RELATED: A Guide To Tantric Masturbation: Techniques, Benefits & More
