In psychology, these mental gymnastics are known as defense mechanisms. People are typically not aware when they’re using these self-protective methods, according to couples’ therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC. “Because they’re survival adaptations, it would be misguided to say defense mechanisms are bad, wrong, or unhealthy,” she adds. “At the same time, they tend to block our awareness of our true underlying experiences, create tension in our bodies, and make it harder for us to be truly intimate and vulnerable with others.” The concept of defense mechanisms stems from Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory and was developed in detail by his daughter Anna Freud, who in 1937 published her book The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence describing 10 main defense mechanisms. Today, the concept continues to be an important part1 of how many psychologists and mental health professionals understand how to best support the people they work with, with the goal being to help them develop more self-awareness and healthier ways of coping with stressful situations. In the Freudian psychological framework, defense mechanisms are actually ego defenses—methods used by the ego to protect against the anxiety of dealing with the competing, often incompatible demands of the id and the superego. When situations arise where the id, superego, and reality are in conflict with one another, the ego attempts to protect itself from the resulting discomfort by using these defense mechanisms. As one 2015 study2 puts it, defense mechanisms are used “in order to maintain mental homeostasis and protect the conscious mind from the effects of such conflicts.” In essence, the subconscious mind attempts to protect the conscious mind from being aware of the uncomfortable feelings so the individual can continue to move through the world “normally” with as little disruption as possible. Here are some examples of defense mechanisms and how they’re used in action: “Projection is one of those relationship experiences that can make you feel crazy,” relationship counselor Margaret Paul, Ph.D., writes for mbg. She notes that it can also happen in parent-child relationships: “Maybe your parents called you selfish, irresponsible, or crazy or told you to stop being angry when they were the ones being selfish, irresponsible, off-kilter, or getting angry.” According to psychotherapist Emily Roberts, LPC, one of the most common ways this defense mechanism gets deployed is when people try to suppress their emotions to avoid having to deal with them. But it tends to be a double-edged sword: “We’ve learned how to push discomfort away, but even when we do, it always stays—and grows,” she writes at mbg. “When we avoid our emotions, we’re actually making them stronger. This can create many maladies in the body and in the mind, causing a myriad of health issues3.” “These dynamics may feel comfortable, even if in reality they’re anything but,” social psychologist Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler, Ph.D., recently told mbg. “You can slide back into these very familiar patterns of interaction without even realizing it.” Or take the example of a person with a superiority complex: “Superiority complexes usually are defense mechanisms that come from deep personal insecurities, shame, and feelings of being inadequate in some way,” licensed mental health counselor Hailey Shafir, M.Ed., LCMHCS, LCAS, CCS, previously told mbg. “Because shame is such a distressing and uncomfortable emotion, a person may use their defenses to hide these feelings from others, deny them in themselves, and avoid having to experience them.” Another example may be stonewalling: Rather than acknowledging how activated and upset they are, a person may shut down during a conflict and become nonresponsive or dismissive. According to Muñoz, most of our defense mechanisms are usually learned in childhood. “Defense mechanisms are a huge part of what has helped us survive difficult or overwhelming physical, emotional, and psychological experiences as we’ve moved through childhood and adolescence into adulthood,” she explains. Despite helping us move through difficult experiences in the past, Muñoz notes that many of our defense mechanisms can contribute to relationship issues, emotional issues, and even physical ones, wherein we may be experiencing symptoms of anxiety or stress but not realize it. “Many of our somatic complaints and interpersonal problems can be traced to our defense mechanisms,” she explains. Instead, Muñoz recommends taking the time to understand your defense mechanisms and how they are or aren’t serving you. “It can be helpful to work with a professional who can help us increase our awareness of our defenses,” she suggests. “The more aware you become of your defenses, the more you have a choice to do something else rather than unconsciously using them.” She offers some examples: “If you’re a woman who cries instead of connecting with her anger, for example, you can begin to practice experiencing your anger directly and learning to be more assertive. If you’re a man who realizes that you tend to blanket your grief and other emotions with anger, you can learn to make room for a range of feelings and be vulnerable to this experience. In both of these examples, reducing your reflexive use of a defense can help you understand yourself better and forge safer, more trusting, intimate relationships.” There are many ways to develop better self-awareness. Then, from that place of awareness, you can move into learning new, healthier ways of dealing with stress rather than relying on unproductive defense mechanisms. “Pointing out people’s defenses without their permission is a subtle boundary violation,” she notes. It can feel very vulnerable and even shattering to have someone name out loud something that you’re trying very hard to keep withheld. It can also feel condescending to have someone “psychoanalyze” you when you haven’t yourself invited them to unpack and process with you. “That said, there may be certain situations where you may need to call out someone’s defense,” she says. “If someone unfairly accuses you of being angry (for example), it may be appropriate to say, ‘Listen, I think there’s something else going on here. Is it possible that you’re the one who’s angry, and you’re projecting your anger onto me?’” (Here’s more on how to deal with a defensive partner.) With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
