For some people, emotional connection, mutual trust, and a sense of safety within the relationship can basically be thought of as a prerequisite to the fulfillment of your sexual desires. Intimacy also requires acceptance, understanding, and, of course, physical attraction. Ultimately, it’s that feeling of being at home with someone that we crave so much, and that makes the actual act of sex so pleasurable. One of the most underrated ways to increase trust and ditch fear in your relationship (which hinders intimacy during sex) is to really work on developing a solid, always-evolving friendship with your partner. When your relationship is a safe space to share, be, and express without being judged, your ability to offer more and surrender without reservations in the bedroom greatly increases. When you create the space to feel, explore, and love your own body, you are better able to communicate what you want, what you crave, and what makes you feel fulfilled. (Here are a few ways to learn how to connect with your body.) It might seem like overreacting if you want to voice how pissed you felt when your partner looked at your friend with flirty eyes. It may seem unnecessary to express how disappointed you were when your partner didn’t really acknowledge your effort in planning the perfect date. But think about it this way: When you suppress your pain in one moment, it doesn’t go away; it will simply come up again, in another form. One of the ways this happens is through suppressed intimacy—emotionally, sexually, and beyond. The more you can practice shortening the time it takes between feeling hurt and letting the other person know, the lower your chances of developing resentment. Less resentment and other negativity in the relationship means a greater willingness to give and receive in other ways, especially when it comes to sex. So speak up! Maybe expressing your fears about something in your relationship strikes you as “bad,” something to avoid. Well, stepping outside the safety zone and embracing your “dark” parts may be exactly what you and the relationship need in order to feel greater intimacy. In the bedroom this might take the form of trying a different technique, approach, or activity or simply expressing a deeper degree of hunger, sensuality, vulnerability, and openness in your desires. If you allow yourself to explore your fantasies without shame and surrender more fully into your deepest desires, you can proactively add a depth of experience unlike anything you’ve ever felt. What if the entire outcome was to experience your partner—in the moment—and offer something deeply yours to them? If you didn’t feel pressured to reach a milestone during intimacy, how much deeper could you let go, enjoy, and surrender to your partner? When we can use sex as an expression of love, service, and presence, we open the doorway to experiencing sex as a spiritual experience too. Most human beings will use intimacy as a way to experience release or feel pleasure; few will have the courage to really get into someone’s heart. But those who have the courage to do so will have a fulfilling depth in life unlike anything they might have imagined.
