A sexually unfulfilling relationship is a quiet, insidious poison. But it starts subtly. The tiny blips on the radar that signal our partnership is veering toward bitterness or divorce often don’t trigger the alarm until it’s too late. There’s a little voice in the back of our heads that says, “Something’s not right here.” But we often quiet that voice with the response, “But I guess it’s not too bad.” When couples come to me on the verge of divorce, one person in the pair is often blindsided—having had no idea how bad things had gotten—whereas the other partner has known and been trying to tell their partner for years. If you’re seeing any of these warning signs, I suggest getting help now. It’s so much easier to repair a relationship before it reaches its breaking point. If your partner seems distant and is more interested in drinking, watching TV, or working—take heed. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you; it does mean he would rather watch TV than risk you criticizing or rejecting him again. The sexual health of your relationship isn’t just his responsibility—it’s yours too. How could you take more responsibility for your own arousal and connection? It’s your responsibility to make sex feel fun—and safe—again. Learn a new method of sex that feels better for everyone and doesn’t involve any obligation or expectations. Stop having round-the-bases sex and start having sex that women actually enjoy. When someone comes to me and says, “I give my partner sex every week so that I’m not pestered for the rest of the week,” or “I go down on my partner at least three times a week because I’m not going to be one of those people who never does it!” then I know they are headed for trouble. If you’re having sex for these reasons, you’re not doing it because you want to. You’re trying to conform to some idea of what makes a “healthy” sex life. This will ultimately lead to less intimacy, more performance anxiety, and less enjoyment. The remedy is to get reacquainted with your desire and begin to connect sexually based on your genuine interest in doing so—not based on how long it’s been since your last encounter. Most fights between partners who like each other and intend to stay together are a symptom of the desire for more intense contact. Fighting is a possible sign that you’re not having enough of the kind of sex that gets you as deeply connected as you want to be with each other. (I know, it seems backward.) The answer is not quantity—it’s quality. Here’s the thing, though: After sex, I feel as refreshed, as if I’d just taken a great nap. Because the kind of sex I have—and teach—isn’t a chore I perform only for my partner’s benefit. It’s a desire-based act I perform for my own benefit and pleasure. If you’re feeling burnt out and tired, it’s a sign that you need more of the kind of sex that feeds your inner hunger (you know, that longing inside that no amount of ice cream can fill). Turning your sex life around isn’t just a matter of saving the relationship—it’s so much more than that! If successful, you’ll feel enraptured with your partner, in love, and adored. You’ll enjoy sex that’s mutually fulfilling (plus explosive orgasms, no big deal). You’ll feel confident enough to ask for what you need and want in a way that makes your partner excited to give it to you.
