“What people mean by ’labeling’ a relationship is defining where each person is in the relationship, their expectations, and desires. This can be as simple as discussing whether or not you are just friends, friends with romantic intentions to move forward, or in a committed dating relationship,” Tubbs tells mbg. “It is so important to be clear from the beginning to avoid any heartbreak, feelings of being used or misled, and to protect the nature of the relationship as you both probably came together because you really liked each other.” It’s about being kind to each other and about protecting the feelings of both of you. Misunderstandings hurt, and communication is really the only way to avoid them. “Language matters,” adds sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT. “Our experience changes based on the words we use.” It doesn’t feel good to be in a nerve-wracking fog of assumptions and hopes, nor does it feel good to feel like you need to withhold affection or dodge certain types of activities as a means of passively asserting your detachment. When you’ve agreed on what you’re doing with each other, you can both stop having to dance around the unspoken truth and simply enjoy the relationship for whatever it is. “Labeling can be a helpful way for people to begin to clarify, change, or negotiate the terms of their relationship,” Francis tells mbg. “Talking about label-related topics like commitment, fidelity, and mutuality are opportunities to establish realistic expectations and build trust and security within the relationship. Even if the behaviors in the relationship don’t change, people’s experience of the relationship often differs under different titles.” “People form commitments [and] expectations even without labels, and all labels can be negotiated,” Francis adds. “We create words to capture and reflect the world around us. Not talking about the terms of your relationship does not mean you don’t have one.” “There is rarely universal meaning for the words we use,” Francis warns. “While labels are a helpful shorthand, they do not mean the same thing to each person. Agreeing on a word isn’t a shortcut to having a real conversation about your relationship. Ensuring you’re on the same page about the expectations, boundaries, and roles helps your label represent the relationship you’re trying to have.” Without further ado, here are a few of the most common ways to label a relationship: “Hanging out” obviously implies you’ve spent some time IRL together, and both terms can continue to be in play even after you’ve had sex. Although they often refer to an early flirtation stage, some people continue to use these terms after weeks or months of knowing each other. In these cases, it becomes basically synonymous with “in a casual relationship” (see below). Some people do see “dating” as more serious or even closer in meaning to being “in a relationship.” That said, dating doesn’t necessarily imply exclusivity, Tubbs notes. If you’re not sure, ask. Usually this label assumes monogamy unless nonmonogamy is mutually agreed upon (see below). Tubbs describes being in a relationship as a “committed partnership between the two of us, which means I am invested in healthy interdependence where I care for you emotionally, mentally, and romantically.” A helpful distinction for understanding the difference between dating and being in a relationship: “People in a relationship may allow their relationship mates to make requests of them and have influences on their lives that they wouldn’t for a person they were dating,” Francis says. Unlike some of the other early-stage relationship labels, being FWB usually isn’t forward-oriented. These types of relationships are usually designed to remain exactly as they are without progressing into anything more serious. Some people use the term to express alliance with the LGBTQ+ community, while other couples might use it when they’ve been together a very long time but aren’t married. “Boyfriend” or “girlfriend,” to some, might feel like a “young” term or may not express the full gravity or weight of their relationship in the way that “partner” does. An open relationship is one in which the partners involved are currently open to sexual encounters and/or romantic connections with others. It’s sometimes used interchangeably with consensual nonmonogamy, though the latter is really an umbrella term that may include non-open forms of consensual nonmonogamy. Being in an open relationship usually implies the individuals involved can go off and get intimate with others on their own without the other partner present, though sometimes there might be certain rules or expectations they’ve agreed on. Polyamory is sometimes used interchangeably with words like open relationship and consensual nonmonogamy. Importantly, not all polyamorous units are open to new partners (and thus are not open relationships), and some people practice consensual nonmonogamy only with regards to sex (and thus are not exactly polyamorous since they’re not open to more romantic relationships). When in doubt, talk it out. Sit down and have that define-the-relationship conversation with your partner to see where you both stand. As far as how to frame that conversation, Francis recommends actively stating how you’re feeling and what you’re wanting: “Instead of asking, ‘What are we?’ which tends to be a passive question that puts the power and responsibility on the other person to name the relationship, share what you think and want for the relationship, and invite them to do the same in an open, low-pressure conversation.” A few questions she recommends talking through with your partner: With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
