That said, a kind but clear rejection is a gift: You’re letting someone know—in no uncertain terms—that you’re not interested in them romantically so that they don’t continue to waste their time and energy on you or get their hopes up or face further hurt or disappointment down the line. You’re also setting a boundary for yourself and protecting your own time and head space. While it’s widely considered best practice to break up with someone in person, letting someone know you’re not interested in them doesn’t always warrant an in-person meetup. According to sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., it’s totally fine to reject someone over text if you’ve only gone on a date or two and your primary mode of communication has been through text. “To some folks, rejection by text is even preferable to meeting up in person only to be told things aren’t working,” she tells mbg. That said, context matters a lot. “Think about your own specific situation,” she says. “If you’ve been dating for a few months, it might be best to have a face-to-face chat.” If you’re going to do it over text, below are a few examples of simple rejection texts you can send. Think of it this way: At minimum, a good match involves two people who are both really excited about each other. If that’s not where you’re at, it’s in both people’s best interests to move on. And at the end of the day, you don’t owe anyone your time or affection, no matter how much they like you. If you know they have a big work presentation tomorrow, maybe save your rejection text for the day after. If you’re feeling really stressed out right now, maybe focus on getting to a more relaxed place before you suggest meeting up to deliver the news so that you can let them down with a little more grace and thoughtfulness. Now, of course, being honest doesn’t mean pummeling the person with all the reasons you don’t like them. It just means being direct and making it clear that the door is truly closed for you. “You might skip the feedback about how you’re not attracted to them, but you can say that you ‘didn’t feel a romantic connection’ to relay this,” Battle adds. “Never speak on their behalf,” Battle says. “It might feel like the right thing to point out why you aren’t the best match for them, but it’s best to frame things from your experience instead. Use ‘I’ statements and focus on what you’re looking for and why the other person isn’t right for you.” If you are having this conversation in person, a little bit of back-and-forth may be unavoidable if the other person chooses to ask questions to understand more. You can offer your honest assessment, as Battle points out, without necessarily getting into the weeds or turning the conversation into a negotiation. If they push for more answers, here are some ideas for ways to respond without inviting debate: “It’s important to be direct and straightforward—yet very kind and compassionate,” says Manly. It’s not necessary to tell someone that you’re not sexually attracted to them, that you don’t like their sense of humor, or that you find conversations with them uninteresting. “Such comments sting and stick in the other person’s memory long after the event.” Manly also recommends avoiding the word rejection in the conversation if possible. “Many people become triggered by the word rejection due to childhood issues, early life dating experiences, and even work situations,” she explains. “When we move away from the term rejection, we tend to avoid the land mine personal triggers or the often unknown triggers of the person we’re talking to.” “The person who wants to disconnect can surely do so in a respectful, kind way, but this does not guarantee that the other person won’t feel hurt or disappointed,” Manly explains. “However, you’re not responsible for that person’s feelings when your actions were kind and compassionate. In general, the best you can do is break things off as kindly and gently as possible.” You can and should try to reject someone without hurting them by exercising kindness and thoughtfulness in the conversation, but after that, how they handle that rejection is up to them. “They may have an emotional reaction to your rejection or want to give their own feedback,” Battle adds. “You can listen and then politely disengage. If you have been honest and kind in your delivery, that’s all you’re responsible for.” The key here, though, is to make sure friendship would feel good for both people. Sometimes a rejection—and, more broadly, the disappointment of realizing a relationship won’t blossom the way you hoped it would—can take quite a while for someone to work through and find acceptance. Battle says to be sure not to force it if the dynamic feels strained or difficult, or if you suspect it may be too painful or too soon for the other person. It may be necessary to push the pause button and give them some space to really move on before you reach out again to nurture a friendship. (For more, we’ve got a full guide on how to be friends with an ex.) With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
