“Really what we’re talking about there is how people’s issues from their childhood—in terms of their attachment with their parents, in this case particularly with their mother—has impacted their development as a whole,” clinical psychologist Nicole Beurkens, Ph.D., tells mbg. She adds that these kinds of attachment issues are particularly pertinent with regard to people’s social-emotional development and how that plays out in their life and relationships. According to psychology expert and doctor of education Gertrude Lyons M.A., Ed.D., we’ve all been affected by the wiring of our formative years and the caregiving we received—in both empowering and limiting ways. “There is an important truth and possibility that opens up for us when we look into our past and examine everything, from trauma to subtle, seemingly innocuous emotional injuries we experienced in our childhoods,” she explains. “But,” Beurkens notes, “the more modern, research-based theory that applies to [mommy issues] is attachment theory, attachment styles, and looking at how the patterns of interactions and relationships between children and their parent figures impact their development.” It all comes down to how (or whether) your needs were met as a child and how those experiences influence you in adulthood. As Lyons explains, “we adapted behaviors as children in order to survive in our individual situations. For some, it meant literal survival, but for every child, there is an element of adaptation to fit.” Based on how secure our attachment is to our earliest caregivers, she says, we decide how safe the world is, what the world expects from us, and what we can expect from the world. “Our past trauma, wounds, and resentments, which reside in our unconscious, can dictate how we live our lives, often from a place of reactivity if we’re not conscious enough to see the patterns,” Lyons explains. We then project and transfer all those wounds onto other people, she adds, whether in romantic relationships, with our own children, and even with friends or colleagues. “Those resentments are like pillows between us and the other person—directly or indirectly,” she says. “And the more we do the work to repair the relationships from our past, the closer and more genuine our connections can be with other people.” From there, she and Lyons agree that professional assistance can be a big help, especially if your relationship with your mother was particularly traumatic and your childhood involved any abuse or neglect. In addition to therapy, there are “more resources than ever before out there for people to start to delve into it on their own,” Beurkens adds, from online resources to books to support groups. Then, Lyons says, “We have to practice new behaviors based on our insights. This is not a quick-fix territory—it really takes a commitment to go into this vulnerable territory.” As Beurkens notes, healing from mommy issues is about “becoming aware and then getting more information, learning and analyzing how [mommy issues] show up for you, and then starting to implement some changes.”
