Here’s what to know about the silent treatment—from why people do it to how to handle it when it’s happening to you—according to relationship experts. As relationship therapist Ken Page, LCSW, explains to mbg, the silent treatment spectrum can range from a complete lack of contact to subtler behaviors like ignoring someone’s bids for attention. You could even consider ghosting a form of the silent treatment, according to licensed therapist De-Andrea Blaylock-Solar, MSW, LCSW-S, CST. People’s reasons for using the silent treatment will vary (which we’ll get into shortly), but in terms of whether the silent treatment is ever OK, Page says the answer is virtually always no. The only exception, according to Blaylock-Solar, would be if your emotional or physical safety is in danger—which would warrant shutting out an abuser and, subsequently, giving them the silent treatment. For example, as both Blaylock-Solar and Page explain, someone who grew up feeling like their needs were ignored or unimportant may grow up to have a hard time expressing themselves. “It may be challenging for them as adults to share—or even feel they have the right to share—their thoughts or feelings, and so they keep them to themselves and shut down,” Blaylock-Solar explains. Additionally, she notes, some people have delayed processing disorders at play that simply make it difficult to gather themselves or respond quickly, and so they go silent. Or, in the face of conflict (processing disorder or not), sometimes people “may need to collect their thoughts and figure out how do they feel about a situation,” before responding, she explains—and this can certainly be interpreted as the silent treatment to the person on the receiving end. In other more extreme cases, Page says that people can intentionally use the silent treatment in a passive-aggressive, hostile, and/or sadistic way. “If you feel like you don’t have the power to communicate your needs, your pain, or your desire, the silent treatment is effectively a way to gain back power when you feel powerless,” he explains. Page cites research called the “still-face experiment1,” for example, in which mothers gave toddlers emotionless reactions and silence for an extended period of time. In this experiment, he says, the babies make constant bids for connection. They try, it doesn’t work, and the babies freak out and start crying. And eventually, they withdraw and pull into themselves. “If you want to understand the effects of the deep silence, that’s kind of what we create with it,” Page explains, adding that there’s a reason solitary confinement is considered the worst punishment in prison. In relationships between adults, he says, no matter the reason behind the behavior, the person on the receiving end is going to feel dejected, isolated, angry, and/or confused. “Extreme silent treatment is unequivocally a form of abuse,” he says, noting that even subtler forms can still be harmful to the relationship. And for what it’s worth, Page adds, couples who have a “low threshold for allowing conflict” (aka they would rather talk things out than let things fester) are actually happier in their relationships than couples with a higher threshold for conflict (aka they “let things go” and ignore problems). “We often defer to silence and avoidance as a strategy to preserve the relationship—but it actually does exactly the opposite—and the other person experiences your silence as absence and avoidance,” Page explains. And according to Blaylock-Solar, if the silent treatment has been persistent, you could also say things like, “I’ve noticed the air between us is a little different,” or “I’m wondering if you’re having some thoughts you’re having a hard time expressing to me.” Avoid coming at them in a critical or contemptuous manner, and instead, open up by letting them know you’re here to listen without judgment and want to get to the bottom of the behavior, she suggests. “And if the amount of time it’s going to take for it to stop is too long and too painful, you have a right to say that and negotiate it,” he says, adding that it can be helpful to get the support of a therapist here as well (individual or couples’). According to Blaylock-Solar, if you’re someone who has a hard time in conflict and winds up shutting down, you can have a script of sorts ready. Think something along the lines of, “I’m having some thoughts, but I’m not exactly sure how to share them, or even how to feel right now. I’m not shutting you out—just give me some time.” In this way, she adds, you’re letting the other person know you just need time and space to process at your own speed. “That, along with planning a time to come back together to discuss further, can help the relationship in the long run,” she notes. And as Page adds, it’s important to keep in mind the way our behavior affects our relationships, romantic or otherwise. “It’s so much easier to be tough and just kind of torture someone with the silent treatment—but stepping into your vulnerability and sharing it is actually a brave intimacy tool,” he explains. It can also be a good idea to do some personal work (either with a therapist or on your own) to reflect on the reasons you use the silent treatment, and how you can get better about open and honest communication, Page adds.
