As psychotherapist Annette Nuñez, M.S., Ph.D., notes, social cues indicate whether people want to stay engaged, whether they’re disengaged, and also relate to how we build social relationships based on those cues. “Social cues can really be anything nonverbal that sends a message that communicates something about how that person is thinking or feeling about engaging with you,” Beurkens adds. Nuñez adds that “babies start learning social cues at an early age, then as they get older, start learning social cues through parallel play.” Children are able to pick up on the “rhythm” or flow of interactions, and this skill can become strengthened with time. Our understanding of these cues forms the foundation of our communication development, according to Beurkens, and plays a major role in how our communication style develops as we mature. As we begin to grasp verbal language, “the use of words and speaking grows out of that foundation of nonverbal communication—so it is learned, and it’s also an intuitive and natural process.” That said, not everyone will pick up on social cues as readily or easily. People on the autism spectrum, people with learning disabilities, and people with certain mental health conditions may struggle with some aspects of reading social cues or may have other ways of communicating their thoughts and feelings. Notably, though, while people often make assumptions about another person’s mood or intentions based on their tone, many people don’t actually notice their own tone unless it’s pointed out by others. But they’re certainly not the only ones. Those with other neurodevelopmental disorders such as ADHD or some learning disabilities can also struggle with them, according to Beurkens, as well as those with particular mental health issues. Social anxiety, for example, can cause someone to misinterpret social cues as always being negatively targeted toward them, Beurkens says. If you think you might be inadvertently missing social cues, Nuñez suggests practicing observation, presence, and self-awareness, as well as asking yourself questions like, Am I looking in this person’s eyes? Or, Am I matching their energy? If you feel missing social cues is negatively affecting your life on a regular basis, it may be worthwhile to talk to a professional.
