You don’t have to have a Ph.D. in sex to make it good. Most men don’t need a woman to be swinging off the chandeliers naked or performing like a porn star in order to have fun. That kind of pressure, self-doubt, self-judgment, and fear has no place in the bedroom. One of the best ways to heal from trauma is through orgasms—multiple orgasms. One way to reconnect is through sacred masturbation. Rediscover your body; rediscover what turns you on. You might even learn that something new turns you on. Before you get under the sheets with him, I want you to get under the sheets with yourself. Here’s some homework for you: You can try my Jade Egg Program—14-day online course that teaches you (among other things) how to have multiple orgasms, how to perform a yoni (vagina) massage, and tantric breast massage on yourself, and how to unleash your inner goddess. Here are the basics of tantric yoni massage. Circle the head of your clitoris with the tip of your finger and vary from smaller circles to larger ones. Also, vary the pressure from a featherlike touch to pushing down stronger. Push down on the clit and make small push-and-pull strokes, and then slide your finger down the shaft of the clitoris. The shaft can sometimes be just as sensitive as the clit. Pull the clitoris away from the body by grasping at the sides and tugging back and forth. You can also move lower and tug the sides of the lips. To roll the clit, start by holding it firmly and rolling between the thumb and the index finger—kind of like you’re making a tiny violin motion with your fingers. Use one or more fingers to tap the clit in varying rhythms from fast to slow. I don’t say this to scare you; in fact, I want you to lean into it. Acknowledge to both yourself and your new partner that there might be tears and feelings of grief, loss, or sadness. This is normal. It’s OK. It will pass. The death of your husband was a trauma, and you have to truly let go of that in order to let a new man’s energy in. A big part of tantric healing is the way it teaches us to let go of the past and focus on the present. A great way to be more present with your new partner is to try to this tantric meditation together. Prolonged eye contact during sex lets you see deep inside the other person and lets them see deep inside you. When people close their eyes during sex, they are often focusing on their own pleasure or thinking of something—or someone—else. Or they are just afraid to be truly connected. Eye contact helps you be fully connected to your own sensations and feelings and to your partner’s as well. By sitting still, holding the aforementioned eye contact, and breathing in unison, you create an instant and intimate connection. There is no sexual touching involved here, but you do want to use the feather-like touch to caress your partner. The second position has the woman’s knees over her partner’s legs. In the third position, she straddles him and wraps her legs around him—chest-to-chest, heart-to-heart, and genitals-to-genitals. We are prolonging intercourse to build up that arousal and tension. I recommend that couples try this position for at least five minutes in the beginning and build up to 10 or 15 minutes. Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, a licensed sex and relationship therapist who has studied oxytocin, says, “Oxytocin is a powerful hormone. With the 20-second hug—chest-to-chest—you will feel a rush.” Can you imagine what you will feel with 15 minutes of yab-yum? Isadora passed away on March 26, 2017. During her life, Psalm made a name for herself as a bold, outspoken sex, relationships, and trauma expert who lived to inspire the next generation of women. She demystified the ancient secrets of Tantra to make them accessible to the modern masses. Raised in a religious cult as a child, Isadora endured years of sexual trauma that eventually ignited her passion to teach sexual empowerment and modern sex ed. In 2007, Isadora traveled to India to immerse herself in the ancient teachings of Tantra to facilitate deep healing and discover her own path as a healer. For eight years, Isadora traveled to India to delve deeper into the path of Tantra and teach yoga to sex-trafficked women in the red light district of Calcutta, work that would eventually become part of a documentary titled Shakti. She studied the Śrī Vidyā tradition of Tantra under spiritual guru Sri Amritananda (Guruji) in Pradesh, India, and was initiated into Shakti Tantra Yoga. We will miss you, Psalm. You will certainly never be forgotten.
