Ahead, therapists break down all five types of intimacy and why we need to foster them all to create a more holistic connection and closeness with your partner. “The best way to describe intimacy is to think of it as a connection,” certified sex therapist Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., LPCC, LMHC, CST, writes at mbg. “If you want to be intimate in some way, you want to connect.” While people associate intimacy in a relationship with sex, that’s truly just one type of intimacy: the physical kind. Sex can be an important part of committed relationships, but they also require sustainable rapport beyond just chemistry in the bedroom. Without types of intimacy besides physical, “the relationship can start to drift apart or remain at a very superficial level,” says marriage therapist Hilda De La Torre, M.A., MFT. As psychologist Karin Anderson Abrell, Ph.D., previously told mbg, intimacy in relationships creates a feeling of social support. “A myriad of studies1 find those of us with solid and reliable social support fare better in a variety of realms—including our emotional and psychological well-being and even our physical health,” she notes. Physical intimacy is about creating feelings of closeness and connection through using your bodies and physical touch, which can include sex as well as non-sexual touch, such as kissing, various types of hugs, and just cuddling. According to marriage therapist Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, touch is important to relationships because it triggers the release of oxytocin and other feel-good hormones. “Oxytocin is known as the bonding hormone. That hormone is the same hormone released between a newborn baby and its mother, which is why skin-to-skin contact is highly recommended for bonding after childbirth,” she previously told mbg. We confide in people whom we trust. That doesn’t mean they always tell us what we want to hear, but we believe they won’t repeat anything we share in confidence. We also don’t expect them to embarrass or belittle us. “Our memories are closely linked to our senses,” relationship coach Kingsley Moyo tells mbg. Moyo references how we can recall the odor of burned rubber even if we haven’t smelled it in a while. He likens experiential intimacy to social media actions, stating that “we tag people and events with an associated sense.” Moyo goes on to explain that recalling moments triggers involuntary sensory reactions. If the moment was pleasurable, it prompts that same energy when relived. Each person in a couple can have separate lives. You don’t have to collaborate on everything, but it’s crucial to have shared experiences. This way, your intimacy is interwoven with memories and acquired knowledge. It exists in multiple spaces. People who are afraid of being intimate often have the desire, she says, but the fear of being hurt and disappointed is stronger. The first thing she does with clients in this situation is to explore what’s getting in the way. Often, the client is holding on to a negative experience. De La Torre’s advice for overcoming fear of intimacy is to “start with building an intimate relationship with yourself,” so that you can get comfortable with the feeling. (Here’s more on how to overcome being scared of love.)
