Gottman named these four communication habits as a play on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the Christian Bible’s New Testament. Those four horsemen—conquest, war, hunger, and death—signaled the end of times. Similarly, when there is a chronic use of Gottman’s Four Horsemen, research has shown the relationship is likely to become unstable and unhappy and, in likelihood, will end. Since the 1970s, Gottman has studied thousands of couples in what is called the Love Lab, where he and his team watched couples interact and tracked their relational satisfaction. Through this research, they were able to distill the relational habits that make some couples “masters’’ and other couples “disasters” in relationships. Gottman found that when couples utilize criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and/or contempt during their difficult moments, they trigger what’s known as the “distance and isolation cascade.” This means that as a couple utilizes any of these four habits without successful “repair” over time, they will turn toward each other less and less to meet their connection needs. Of course, most people will use these habits from time to time in their relationships. None of us are immune. The key is that we recognize their use, quickly make repairs, and work toward utilizing them less and less. For example, if you walk into a messy house after a long day at work and see a sink full of dishes, you might notice yourself feeling frustrated. When you go to express this, you might either use “criticism” or “complaint.” Instead of criticism, try to utilize the antidote of criticism: a gentle startup. A gentle startup sounds like: “When I come home at the end of the day and see the dishes in the sink (what you noticed), I feel so tired and frustrated (sharing your feelings). I really need to walk into a peaceful environment. (what you need).” And, if you become defensive, the other person will believe that their need has not been heard. And this is going to amp up the disconnect and likely even amp up the criticism. There is a time and a place to talk about your own perception, but it’s not usually in the immediate moment when someone makes an ask—in fact, your position is less likely to be heard if you respond with it immediately in this way. This might sound like saying: “You’re right the dishes are a mess (validation). I didn’t do them even though I said I would.” For the person stonewalling, it’s likely they are in a state of physiological flooding. Physiological flooding happens when the body detects a threat. In conflict, sometimes our bodies will detect it as any other threat. This means that our body will release stress hormones, and we will experience a racing heart. The parts of our brain responsible for relational behaviors goes offline. This means we dip into our survival instincts—freezing, fleeing, or fighting—and we lose our relational instincts, like problem-solving, humor, and affection. During the break, the flooded party can: Then, it is really important that the person who took the break comes back to the conversation when calm. This return builds trust within the relationship. Contempt is criticism supercharged because it takes a one-up position of superiority. When people have contempt, they are expressing their discontent by utilizing shame and mean-spirited sarcasm to put someone down. You can notice contempt on someone’s face when they move one side of their face up—think of it as a “half disgust” face. Rather than utilizing contempt, you’ll need to work on building new communication skills to discuss your upset feelings. Specifically, you’ll need to learn to talk about yourself rather than the other person when in conflict. The ultimate goal is to be able to use gentle startup (discussed with criticism above), but at first you might just focus on being able to narrate your inner world instead of attacking the other person. That might sound like: “Right now, I can feel myself being so angry. I want to say so many angry things to you, but I know it won’t go well. I really need us to figure out how to fix this.” Another important antidote and protective factor for contempt is building a culture of appreciation. This means being sure to notice what your partner is doing right and expressing that to them when you see it as often as you can. Here is an example of what happens when we don’t change our four horsemen habits:
