While “relationships are hard” is an oft-repeated refrain, the catchphrase can make it seem like relationships are expected to be constantly full of nonstop challenges, arguments, frustrations, and roller-coaster emotions. The struggle is often romanticized in movies and gushy social media posts, but the truth is, relationships should not feel hard all the time—or even most of the time. Positive interactions might include showing affection, laughing together, sharing physical touch, and just times when you generally appreciate and like each other. Negative interactions might include the moments of criticism, contempt, tension, resentment, stress about the relationship’s future, and times when things just don’t feel good in the relationship. “Of course, no one is going to walk around all day calculating their interaction ratio,” licensed couples’ therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, tells mbg. “However, we can use it as a reflective tool—if I wrote down a list of our interactions today, would I be writing about more positive interactions than negative?” You can also think of this magic 5:1 ratio as a sort of love bank account, as licensed marriage therapist Linda Carroll, LMFT, once told mbg. Positive interactions fill up the bank account, while negative interactions deplete it. “The love bank account should be kept in the black so that when you need to draw a lot out at once, such as a deep misunderstanding, a nasty fight, or a time of distance and moving apart, it doesn’t go into the red,” she writes. Gottman’s research found couples who had lower than a 5:1 ratio between negative and positive interactions (such as a 1:1 ratio, for example) were more likely to be divorced years down the line. And importantly, that 5:1 ratio was specific to times of conflict. Outside of conflict, the ratio between positive and negative interactions in successful relationships actually goes up to 20:1, according to Gottman. That’s 20 positive interactions for every one negative interaction. In other words, in healthy relationships, the vast majority of the time is spent in a state of ease and affection. If negativity is overly present in your relationship, that’s a dynamic that needs to be addressed—not tolerated or glorified. “With continued negativity, people distance themselves because they no longer feel valued, appreciated, and loved,” Earnshaw notes. They eventually cannot tolerate any more, and the relationship ends—or, perhaps worse, they remain in relationships that bring more stress than pleasure and eat away at their overall well-being over time. There will always be hard times, but it’s important for couples to be working to improve their dynamic, minimize the behaviors that hurt each other, and maximize all the stuff that makes relationships so great to be in. Because relationships should, more often than not, feel good. That said, a healthy relationship is made up of overwhelmingly more positive moments than negative ones. Relationships can be hard at times, but your relationship in general shouldn’t feel hard. It’s a nuanced distinction, but an important one. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
