True, wholehearted love, as some people call it, is a beautiful fusion of that passionate love and attachment that evolves over time. According to clinical psychologist Bobbi Wegner, Psy.D., when those three main components are present—attraction, lust, and attachment—people are more likely to fall in love. “Attraction is what it sounds like: a curiosity, interest, or a liking for someone,” she explains. “Lust is a strong sexual desire for someone, and attachment is an emotional bond between two people.” As two people become emotionally closer, they seek that intimacy and feel more secure when with the other person, she adds. And what exactly drives those three components, you ask? While there isn’t any real way to force things like attraction and attachment, one 2010 study1 published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships identified 12 “precursors” to falling in love: As Page tells mbg, it’s incredibly easy to get caught up in winning someone’s approval while simultaneously abandoning your own needs or even sense of self. “The degree to which you hyper-focus on whether someone likes you is the degree to which you will self-abandon,” he says, adding that it’s far more important to get clear on how this person actually makes you feel. “Even though you might be saying, ‘Oh, they check all the boxes and I’m super interested,’ maybe you realize you feel cold inside when you’re around them, like you have to grab them because they’re not really available,” he explains. Page adds that this line of thinking can majorly trigger abandonment wounds, and we’re likely to get swept up in an “attraction of deprivation,” in which someone’s unavailability becomes addictive fuel for our own abandonment issues. “It’s an incredibly addictive and compulsive kind of attraction that all of us are programmed to be sensitive and vulnerable to,” he says. This compulsion goes hand in hand with limerence, or a romantic infatuation marked by feelings of obsession and fantastical longing. As licensed marriage and family therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, previously explained to mbg, limerence is the combination of hormones, endorphins, and emotional prioritization that occur in the initial stages of a relationship, but it doesn’t necessarily equate to or lead to wholehearted, long-term love. That’s not to say it won’t eventually evolve, but if you’re putting this person on a pedestal and trying to force love out of them, you are likely not seeing them clearly in the first place. Which—you guessed it—is not real love. And lastly, although lust (or sexual desire) is a component of love, things can get tricky if lust levels are high. Love and lust are easy to confuse because they actually activate similar neural pathways2 in the brain that are involved in things like goal-directed behavior, happiness, reward, and addiction. So, it’s important to determine whether you’re actually dealing with actual love—or just lust by itself. (We’ve got a full guide on how to tell the difference between love and lust that should help you with that.) There’s a reason the famous 36 questions to fall in love, developed by psychologists Arthur Aron, Ph.D., and Elaine Aron, Ph.D., have seen such success. As Page explains, “Interactions that involve a gradual deepening of vulnerability in sharing, combined with letting the person know you like them,” are effective ways of creating a loving relationship. For example: While the viral psychology love eye trick isn’t necessarily a hack to make someone fall in love with you, there is a good chance it will let them know you’re interested, which is important for creating a sense of openness and receptivity. “It creates that physical awakening of potential desire and sensuality, and also connection, but without threat,” Page explains. “Oftentimes in relationships, especially in long-standing relationships, people lose the attraction to one another. It is not because they are no longer physically attractive; it is because the novelty is lost,” she explains. “That is why it is super important for long-term partners to remain committed to their own interests, not only for their individual self-growth but to maintain a sense of unknown or curiosity with their partners.” Allowing longing between you to develop from a simmer to a boil is powerful for motivating long-term commitment, Page explains, whether it’s sex, how much time you spend together, or how quickly you become emotionally intimate. The point is: there’s really no need to rush if the love has a genuine chance of developing. “At the end of the day, there are so many unknown, visceral, and opaque aspects of falling in love with someone that cannot be faked. If you find yourself ’trying’ to get someone to fall in love with you, ask yourself why,” Wegner says, adding, “If love is not genuine, it will not last.” If this person seems like they are not falling in love with you, Page says, think back to that aforementioned idea of attraction of deprivation. “Our desire for somebody often increases when they’re almost available and almost interested and almost in love, but they never fully get there,” he explains—and this is not a recipe for real love. To that end, Wegner offers a poignant question to ponder: “What do think this person will offer you, and how can you satisfy this need yourself?”
