“Three individuals who are in a relationship with each other very often prefer to be called a ’triad’ rather than ’throuple,’” adds Jennifer Schneider, MSW, LCSW, LICSW, a licensed therapist and social worker who has clinical experience working with non-monogamous people. (This article will use the terms interchangeably.) Polyamory refers to the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one person, with the informed consent of all people involved. Polyamorous people believe and honor the idea that it’s perfectly normal, desirable, and possible to love, be attracted to, and be intimate with more than one person at a time. An open relationship is a relationship in which a romantically bonded couple (or throuple!) decide to have sex with people outside of their relationship—usually without forming long-lasting emotional bonds or commitment. (Here’s how to ask your partner for an open relationship if that’s sparking some curiosity.) A throuple is an example of polyamory, i.e., loving more than one person at a time, and throuples may or may not be in open relationships, depending on the preferences of those involved. Throuples may also be open to love outside of the threesome, and each person in the relationship may also have other partners, lovers, or dates. There are various options that might be in play, Schneider says. The way in which the people in a V relationship relate to one another differs from relationship to relationship. “I’ve seen many configurations of V dynamics in my work, and they all look different. There’s a broad spectrum of how closely all parties involved in Vs relate. Sometimes the metamours (people with a shared partner) are dear friends, housemates, and/or co-parents. Sometimes they prefer not to know one another at all,” says Dow. While triads or throuples are usually three people who all share a romantic and sexual link with both of the other parties, sometimes people refer to V relationships as triads too. Not all throuples are open relationships, Schneider explains: “Some triads are polyfidelitous, meaning that the triad might be considered ‘closed,’ in that members of it do not date outside of it.” In other situations, they may be open to having relationships outside of the triad with certain agreements in place. “Triad members may wish to be consulted before a member dates someone outside of it, or not,” she explains. “There may be one member of the triad that does not wish to date outside of it, whereas the other two do.” So while some triads share a bed every night, some rotate between partners so as to give each configuration of lovers quality time, and some sleep apart regardless. What’s most important is that the arrangement takes into account each individual’s needs. “Relationships with three people are similar to relationships with two in that the individuals involved have a lot of agency in how they’re crafted, and each dynamic is unique,” says Dow. “Rules are useful in dynamics with power differentials, like parenting. In adult relationships, in which people treat one another as equals, it’s much healthier for people to instead all share openly about their thoughts, feelings, boundaries, and desires with the goal of coming to agreements that are considerate of all parties involved,” explains Dow. Unicorn-hunting is frequently looked down upon in non-monogamous circles because it often results in an objectification of the unicorn, who ceases to be seen as her own person. Couples may treat the unicorn as existing solely for the benefit of the existing couple unit and disregard her feelings and need to feel seen, heard, and respected. Schneider notes that unicorn-hunting is often done by couples who are new to ethical non-monogamy: “Having separate polyamorous relationships feels too threatening.” When jealousy strikes in a non-monogamous context, it’s usually seen as an opportunity to interrogate emotions and find space for dialogue to work through the difficult feelings. On the other hand, many people in triads are buoyed in their relationships by the experience of compersion, a feeling of unselfish joy that’s felt when one’s partner is fulfilled in their other relationships. In these cases, a lack of communication and clarity can have calamitous results for the relationship. With three people’s needs in competition with one another, “a triad might start to feel more like a scalene or obtuse triangle rather than the original goal of an equilateral one,” warns Schneider. The problems that throuples face aren’t just internal but structural as well. Dow explains: “The main con that comes to mind for me [with triads] is that society is designed for two. People tend to get +1 invitations for weddings, it’s expected to only bring one partner to work events, families often aren’t welcoming of more than one partner at holidays, marriage is only legal for two, couples resorts cater to dyads, many roller coaster rides only have two seats, and this list could go on for days.” This society-sanctioned dismissal of triads can lead to personal friction. “Because dyadic partnerships are the norm, couples get a good bit of privilege in society. In triads this often leads to the person who entered the relationship last getting excluded in certain contexts like holidays, weddings, or work events,” Dow says. “This is especially true if people in the relationship don’t feel comfortable coming out as queer or non-monogamous. It can be very painful for people to be in a position of secrecy when their other partners are able to present as a couple to the public and reap the benefits that doing so provides.” Lastly, the realities of how humans create and maintain connections with one another are brought into sharp focus through triads. “When more than two people form an intimate relationship system together, it’s not a realistic expectation that all of the connections within the dynamic will evolve at the same speed or to the same depth. Inequities in that regard often bring up painful feelings for people that have to be processed and worked through on the individual and team levels,” says Dow. If you’ve always felt that the status quo leaves you unsatisfied and you’re invested in considering your own and others’ feelings with a lot of care and deliberation, then a triad might be for you. “You must also fully accept that traversing uncharted territories tends to be hard work that’s full of surprises!” says Dow. Building a triad takes vulnerability and communication; it’s not just an excuse to have a threesome. A triad is “one of the most complex poly relationships that exists,” says Beth Bloomfield-Fox, LPC. “In a triad there are many relationships happening; person 1 with person 2, person 1 with person 3, person 2 with person 3, etc., and the relationship that exists between all three people together. Being in a relationship with this dynamic requires a significant amount of conversation, patience, and personal responsibility.” If you’re curious about thinking deeper about throuples and other forms of polyamory, then Schneider recommends the following books:
