Certain themes, like codependency and narcissism, are also common in toxic relationships. As therapist Wendy Behary, LCS, tells mbg, “Any toxic relationship implies there is something potentially damaging for the person (or both people) in that relationship.” These relationships can leave you doubting your own reality, your own values, and your sense of self-worth. These issues include but aren’t limited to: “When you’re in a toxic relationship, you’re in a relationship that can often feel familiar to something you’ve known, though you might not realize right away,” she adds. For this reason, it’s important to reflect on what we saw growing up. “If we grew up in a household where we saw unhealthy relationships, or around our friend group, or in our community we saw unhealthy relationships as models, it’s easier to think that it’s normal, acceptable, or just the way things are,” Melamed says. “It can also come from having lower self-esteem or a lower sense of self-worth and not understanding what a healthy relationship looks like.” She and Behary both agree, a third party like a couples’ therapist will likely be necessary. It will be work you both have to do and you may need an outside party to guide you through. “It will require professional help and even then there’s no guarantee,” Behary adds. “It will really take diving deep into the emotional system,” she says, “but if they are willing and motivated to do the work, then there’s a chance.” Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to fix a toxic relationship. “Have compassion for yourself,” Melamed says, “and really examine your role in staying in the relationship. Not saying it’s all your fault—but asking, Are there areas of self-worth and self-esteem I need to work on? How you want to feel in a relationship is one of the first things I ask people to reflect on.” If you’re married, Behary says it’s important to be prepared with all the files and information you might need, plus a savvy lawyer, to help you proceed. Additionally, she says the most important thing is to make time to care for yourself and lean on your support systems as necessary throughout this process.
