That’s a phrase you may have heard before, but not everyone realizes just how wide that spectrum actually goes. The sexuality spectrum is so vast that you may find one sexuality falling within another—like the way graysexuality falls within the asexuality spectrum. But what does that even mean? Here’s everything you need to know about graysexuality and what it means to identify as graysexual. Queen says graysexuality “challenges the automatic primacy of sex, in relationships as well as outside of them.” Graysexual people end up “prioritizing things other than sexual attraction in relationships and not centering sexual connection in relationships; experiencing attraction more rarely (or less sexually) than many other people do; being more likely to express love and connection in nonsexual ways; having sex for other reasons than attraction, maybe. Basically not using the sexual lens as primary.” It’s also important to note that many graysexual people do engage in and enjoy sex, depending on their own unique feelings and experiences. “It is, therefore, possible to identify as both graysexual and heterosexual, or both graysexual and homosexual, and so on. This also covers all other sexual orientations, including bisexuality and pansexuality,” Harrison explains. “Many graysexual people still enter into relationships, and they may still have very clear preferences in terms of the gender they are attracted or drawn to or the gender that interests them romantically.” That said, Harrison says that when the right level of emotional attachment is not present, the experiences of graysexuals and demisexuals are broadly the same. Harrison also says it’s worth noting that “graysexuality is fluid, so it is possible to move from graysexual to demisexual and vice versa.” “In reality, many graysexual people do enjoy sexual relationships, and they may even enjoy the sexual activity itself,” Harrison explains. “But this enjoyment may be at a low level, or it could occur without experiencing sexual attraction. Some graysexual people do willingly and happily engage in sexual activity for the benefit of their partner(s) too.” “For some graysexual folks, sex may be a rare occurrence in their relationship and simply isn’t prioritized as, say, expressions of love and affection would be. For others, sex might be a part of their relationship, but for the graysexual partner, their motivation may not be sexual attraction so much as desire to strengthen their romantic connection or enjoy the physical touch involved,” Hodder-Shipp explains. They add, “As with any relationship dynamic, the presence or frequency of sex is not what defines a relationship as ‘healthy,’ and sex cannot be ‘owed’ to a partner as though it’s a five-dollar bill. However someone feels about sex or experiences sexual attraction is valid and true for them, no matter what anyone else says.” “Graysexuality presents in many different ways,” Hodder-Shipp adds. “I would remind graysexual folks navigating relationships to listen to and prioritize their needs and feelings and do their best not to compare them to others’ needs and feelings—including other graysexual folks.” However, if after reading, you find yourself still questioning your place on the spectrum, consider browsing this comprehensive list of sexualities.
