As the alternatives are becoming more apparent, we are also becoming more aware of our options around our relationship structures. Monogamy is pretty much optional these days. More and more people are not only learning about ethical non-monogamy, but they are considering it for themselves. In the best-case scenario, both parties in the relationship are equally curious about exploring non-monogamy together. But that is not always available. As one partner might rejoice in their newfound freedom, the other partner might find themselves awake in their nightmare. For some people monogamy or non-monogamy is an orientation on par with sexual orientation. It’s not something that’s malleable or by choice. I once heard Eli Sheff, sociologist and author of Polyamorists Next Door and When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous, tell a story of a woman who describes trying to be monogamous as “trying to wear a shoe that was three sizes too small. Maybe she could cram her foot in there, but she couldn’t walk very far, and it would be excruciatingly painful.” For others, monogamy or non-monogamy is a choice. There are many reasons people might want to stick to the monogamous structure. It certainly comes with a strong sense of security, safety, simplicity, and stability, as well as social acceptance. Others may choose non-monogamy because they have a desire for multiplicity, sharing erotic energy, or exploring broader sexual orientation. Similarly, it is worth exploring the resistance to the alternate structure. Someone might prefer a monogamous structure because they have a fear of abandonment, and so the idea of non-monogamy is petrifying to them. Or someone may want to explore non-monogamy because they have a history of cheating, and they don’t want to repeat that kind of behavior. Knowing the source of the mismatch often indicates how to deal with it. Other aspects of compromise can be the degree of emotional entanglement, sexual engagement, or intellectual openness. For example, a couple can agree that their style of non-monogamy consists of casual sex only, strictly with condoms, and they don’t share details with one another. A good rule of thumb is not to seek symmetry but aim for synergy. Not everyone needs the same thing at the same time. Consider a table full of food and people arriving at this table at various degrees of hunger. If everyone felt they had to eat the same amount of food, the chances are nobody will walk away feeling good. But instead, if people ate whatever they needed to satisfy their hunger at the time—which may look like a plate full of food for some people, while others go for a forkful—the chances are everyone will walk away satisfied. The key here is the table full of food. Make sure as you try to solve any kind of mismatch, you remain connected to everyone’s needs: need for attention, need for recognition, need for affection, and whatever else. Making sure these needs are mutually satisfied will enable compromising, creative problem-solving, and agreements to come easier. If you are not sure where to start or are unclear about what options are available to you, you may want to work with a relationship coach who specializes in non-monogamy. A good coach can support you with both the emotional pain points (such as jealousy) as well as the practical obstacles (like scheduling). These situations can arise if there is a power imbalance in the relationship, which can be emotional (one person loves the other more), financial (one party relies on the other financially), or social (one person gets more dates than the other). If these dynamics are in play, as sad as it might be, you might want to consider that there might be an incompatibility issue. If that’s the case, ending that relationship in a conscious and caring way may not only save you a ton of heartache but also absolve those you get involved with of your relationship dysfunction. There can also be instances where the mismatch is not resolved, and the relationship continues with the person seeking non-monogamy not fulfilling their desire. This can work in some relationships; in others, it can end up being too much of a sacrifice over the long term and breed resentment. It often depends on how closely the person identifies with non-monogamy. If they feel that it’s an orientation, it can feel very stifling and separates them from their sense of self. This can cause internal turmoil and mental and emotional health issues, which will eventually cause disconnection and affect the relationship. But if it’s more of a curiosity, the sacrifice may not feel so burdensome. With some resilience, the relationship can thrive. If your relationship is healthy, you continuously work on communication and emotional regulation, and there’s willingness to explore all around, the chances are you can figure out a way to design a relationship that fulfills everyone’s needs. In my case, mastering a couple of great paleo, vegan recipes for snacks and agreeing Sunday brunch is a great excuse to take a break from fasting has done wonders for my relationship. In addition to working one-on-one with clients, Blue runs a community organization focused on challenging the status quo in love, sex, and relationships. Curious Fox helps people learn, connect, and thrive through events, online community, and the Curious Fox Podcast. Blue is also the creator of Play Party Etiquette, a book and workshop designed to demystify the exciting world of sex parties. Covering everything from what to wear to how to express boundaries and desires, Play Party Etiquette is a practical guide for all those interested in exploring sex parties.
