There are times when honesty is truly the best policy. When considering a commitment like marriage, learning how to receive and respond to your partner’s true thoughts and feelings with a dose of objectivity could save you a great deal of heartache—even if the outcome is not initially what you hoped for. What to do: While it might feel like the odds are stacked against you, the good news is that your partner’s fear really isn’t personal. Take the time to listen and understand your partner’s upbringing and relationship history. Some partners don’t even realize their fear of committing to marriage is rooted in previous negative experiences they never properly addressed and healed from. If your partner is willing to self-reflect and seek help from a trained therapist, there may be hope for an “I do” in the future. However, don’t be surprised if it isn’t easy to get them to open up. Many emotionally injured people build pretty secure vaults for their painful experiences. Timing matters, so proceed with caution and never do more work than your partner is willing to do to help themselves. At the end of the day, you want to know that your partner ultimately made a deeper commitment voluntarily. Providing too much of a push can feel forced and leads to distrust and resentment. If you determine that you are looking for a more traditional lifestyle that some married couples build, then perhaps it’s time to examine your long-term compatibility with your partner. If they have assured you that they won’t change their desire for independence, trust that they know themselves. It may save you a lot of energy in the end. As with No. 4, it’s important to consider how important the idea of “marriage” is to you. If you and your partner are functionally doing the same thing—being together forever, monogamously, having kids, and growing old together in a house lined with white picket fences—does it matter if you don’t use the words “husband” or “wife”? That’s something only you can decide for yourself. It’s also possible that they aren’t comfortable with your financial situation and fear this will create conflict further down the line. If you and your partner haven’t demonstrated that you can build trust or teamwork around managing money, it stands to reason that this may be a factor in your partner’s lack of desire to get married. The idea of starting a life together as a cash-poor couple can create an emotional roadblock for some that even the deepest love can’t maneuver around. Making decisions against our core values can leave us feeling unfulfilled and unsettled. Therefore, when your partner tells you honestly that they don’t want to get married, you should thoroughly assess your core values and take heed to both your needs and theirs. After all, it could save you a lifetime of unhappily ever after. Cullins speaks to local, national, and international audiences about relationships, money matters, parenting, and the role of spirituality in achieving your personal goals, and she serves as a moderator/facilitator for community-based panel discussions sponsored by local nonprofit organizations. She previously worked as an adjunct professor and clinical supervisor at the University of Maryland at College Park, where she obtained her master’s degree in family studies, and she has intensive clinical training in working with trauma survivors. She uses empirically validated treatment modalities like cognitive-behavioral therapy and emotion-focused therapy with her clients.
