But that’s not always true. In fact, sometimes we can mix up the idea of “being authentic” with oversharing. For example, when I did an initial intake with a couple recently, I asked them to tell me how they’d met. One of the partners, a man, jumped in quickly saying, “It wasn’t love at first sight. I didn’t find Amy attractive in the beginning; in fact, my roommate didn’t believe I was dating someone as, you know, ordinary-looking.” The “it” hung in the room, like silent thunder. He finished off with “Just being honest.” Or for another example, take a couple I know who has only one email address between the two of them; if I write one person, I write both. I once addressed one person, making it clear that the message was just for her, and her partner responded as though they are the same person. Our personal barometers of individual privacy are, of course, unique. Two people in one relationship may have very different views about what’s OK to tell. Some individuals are very uncomfortable with self-disclosure and hold seemingly unimportant information close to their chest, as they would with a major secret. They see almost any question as invasive, even, “What did you eat for lunch?” Others tend to share anything and everything about themselves, even the most personal details, in casual conversation. Sometimes I spend entire sessions with couples helping them see that differences are not wrong, that being in a relationship means learning to tolerate (and even accept) that we are not with our clone, even though our partner’s view seems impossible to understand. Wondering if you’re too reliant on your partner? These are the 6 signs your relationship is codependent.
