People’s most common reasons for not kissing during their last sexual encounter: Interestingly and perhaps depressingly, people in monogamous relationships were less likely to kiss their partner during their last sexual encounter: Just 61% of coupled-up people said they kissed their partner the last time they had sex. Monogamous couples were also “substantially” less likely to cuddle (just 32% of people in relationships said they cuddled the last time they had sex). The researchers couldn’t parse out from the data why that might be, but it’s common for sex in long-term relationships to change over time. The age group least likely to report kissing during the last time they had sex were those in their 40s. “Just as prior research has shown that people’s meanings of ‘sex’ vary, our data demonstrate that a kiss is not necessarily a kiss, with some respondents only counting certain kinds of kisses as ‘kisses,’” the researchers write. “This may suggest that some people feel that kisses should be or feel a certain way for them to ‘count’ as kisses.” People who kissed were more likely to cuddle, and people who did at least one of the three acts (kissing, cuddling, or massage) were three times as likely to say there was a lot of emotional intimacy during that sexual encounter. That said, only cuddling was significantly associated with more sexual pleasure and more emotional intimacy. Kissing during sex was not associated with more pleasure nor more intimacy. Clearly, more so than kissing, cuddling can be a seriously enjoyable experience for people. “We all know that feeling of comfort that washes over us when we enter the embrace of a loved one,” writes William Cole, functional medicine practitioner and mbg Collective member. “Any kind of touch, including hugs and cuddling, releases the hormone oxytocin from your brain’s pituitary gland. This hormone is often referred to as the ’love’ hormone, as it’s the primary hormone that peaks during orgasm and can actually increase bonding in couples.” Young adults and people ages 60 or older were more likely to report cuddling, which the researchers suspect is because it can serve as a pleasurable alternative to penetrative intercourse, whether because you’re still young and taking things slow or because you’re older and may no longer be able to or interested in genitally focused sex. Overall, these findings remind us that sex really does look different for everyone. We each have pretty unique interests, desires, and turn-ons, and it’s important to never make assumptions about what a person wants from sex. As long as it’s consensual, safe, and pleasurable, do your thing. If intimacy is your thing, here’s how to strengthen your emotional connection during sex. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
